Why Parent With Purpose?
There’s a story my dad often shared from his own childhood. One that emulates the reason I have chosen to parent with purpose and help others do the same. In a way, it depicts the harmful patterns that have been passed down from generation to generation; but it also portrays the immense amount of love and intention that has been made, either consciously or subconsciously, as our lineage has grown.
When my dad was younger, they would visit his wuelitos on his dad's side. "I never really knew my grandfather on my dad's side. Anytime we’d go to visit, he would sneak out the back door and wouldn't interact with us." As tears filled his eyes, my dad would share the sadness he felt not having the opportunity to really know his grandfather. A privilege that my sister and I both had into our twenties. He would go on to note that his dad was not very affectionate when they were growing up either, a different view of the man I myself knew--a wuelito that was loving and caring, and always had my best interest at heart. He practically raised us. My dad recalls the limited number of times his dad told him "I love you" and the coldness that was felt from the lack of physical affection from his childhood.
When I was younger, this frequent story often led to eye rolls (to myself of course) and the occasional sigh out loud, because of the long-winded story I had heard for the millionth time. Saying things like, "Yes, we know, Popo wasn't very affectionate." At that young age, it made sense why my dad was the way he was. Why he teetered on the fence between being the fun and affectionate father he wanted to be, and the authoritarian father figure he grew up with and often times was.
Recently, as I recalled this story, there was something a little different that stood out to me. No longer did I just see the surface level of the story itself—the reason he was the way he was—I realized that my dad took what he knew and what he had experienced to be intentional in his own parenting. He fell short in many areas, but he made sure to tell us that he loved us. He wrote us notes that he'd stick in our lunch boxes when we were in elementary school. He is a firm believe in the idea that: A hug is with two arms, and always made sure to hug us (even if I didn't want to hug him, but that's a story for another time).
What my dad wanted and what was internalized in his subconscious were two completely different things that can’t coexist: unconditional love and a need for compliance. He wasn't a perfect man--he will straight up tell you that himself--but I believe he is a man that did the best he could with what he knew. I believe that in his heart he believed he was doing better for us than his parents did for him. For that, I cannot fault him. We all do the best we can with what we know, and like the quote says: when we know better we do better.
As I thought back on that story about my great-grandfather, I found my reason for parenting the way I do: parenting with purpose. Every decision I make as a parent has a reason. Every word that comes out of my mouth, every belief that I have, every mindset shift that I make as I grow as a mama has a purpose. When we make conscious decisions about how we’re going to show up as parents, and we intentionally act on those decisions, we are able to show up as the parent we WANT to be, not the parent we are by default.
If you are tired of parenting from a place of default, one that leaves you feeling guilty or causes you to show up in ways you never intended to, NOW is the time for you to take that next step in your parenting journey. Here are 3 things you can do TODAY to work towards becoming the parent you want to be.
1. Identify how you want to FEEL in your parenting journey.
Are you more joyful? Peaceful? Patient? Light-hearted? Do you feel like you have the capacity to hold space for your kids during challenging moments? Take some time to think about the emotion that’s associated with how you want to feel. You can use this emotion wheel to get started.
After you’ve identified the emotion and feeling, jot down how this would feel in your body. This one might take a bit more time, and that’s okay. Maybe your jaw would be more relaxed, maybe your chest would feel lighter. If you find yourself writing things in the negative-tense, such as, “I wouldn’t have as many headaches,” turn it into something about what that would actually feel like for you. For me, not having as many headaches would feel like my eyes being more open and my jaw feeling relaxed. For you it might feel like air flowing through the back of your head (vs. it feeling like pins and needles).
2. Create a vision of who you WANT to be as a parent.
Have you ever taken the time to actually visualize who you want to be as a parent? How you want to show up? What you want your relationship with your kid(s) to look like / sound like / feel like? Take 5 minutes to sit down and really visualize things you are doing together, conversations you’re having, how you’re feeling in moments of calm & moments of tension. When you’re done visualizing, write it all down on paper!
3. Set up a time to chat with someone about where you are and where you want to be.
In all honesty, I didn’t realize where the root of my challenges were coming from until I talked to someone. An outside perspective can bring so much clarity when you’re in the trenches of parenting day after day. If what I have shared resonates with you, I’d love to set up a time to chat! You can schedule a FREE 15 minute Purposeful Parent Connection call.
