Working Through Big Feelings
We’ve all been there. At the store, park, or other public location when our little one has a full blown meltdown or our older one is just refusing to comply with our requests. Your heart is racing, you’re doing the best you can, but you’re frustrated and you’re starting to feel the not-so-subtle glances of strangers who you just know are judging you and your parenting capabilities. Your tone changes as your jaw tightens and all of a sudden, just like your little one, you’ve lost it.
No judgement here—it happens to us all! You might feel embarrassed, ashamed, or frustrated with yourself for the way you reacted, but you don’t have to. There is a better way and a greener pasture on the other side where we respond with love and compassion, leaving our little one feeling safe and their emotions tended to that leads to them learning how to regulate their own emotions as time passes. The other side of this is where we thoughtfully respond instead of reacting, leaving you feeling empowered and like you’re the best thing since sliced bread because you handled that meltdown like a champ.
Okay, so what is this amazing strategy that will help?! In essence, it’s seeing your child right where they are in that moment. It’s validating their emotions and experiences by giving name to them. It’s keeping your cool and waiting to engage in that teaching moment at a more appropriate time (i.e. when your child is in a more regulated state). Here are 3 quick and easy steps that you can follow as you consider how you will respond (instead of react) the next time your little one (or older one) has a meltdown.
Validate!
This one is super important, but can be a little tricky as your kids get older as an incorrect validation can seem like you’re disconnected from what’s going on. State what you notice and take empathy guesses at the emotions you’re noticing. “Hey, I noticed that… You must be feeling really…”
Offer Support!
Although your presence might be obvious, take it a step further by offering comfort or assistance to your child. This could be in the form of a hug, holding your child, or asking if they’d like your help with something they were struggling with. Note how I said offer and ask, NOT do or tell.
Teach AFTER!
What’s more frustrating than something taking a wrong turn? Being told how you should be acting / responding / speaking when you’re in the heat of the moment. When our children are dysregulated, it’s hard for them to process and think clearly, so it’s extra important that we wait to work on any new skills until after the heat of the moment has passed.
With time and practice, this becomes second nature! It probably won’t go right (or sound right) the first, second, or third time, but as you use it more frequently in a way that feels genuine to you, it’ll become easier when a new scenario arises and tensions are high. If this is something you find yourself struggling with and would like extra support, drop a comment below and checkout my offerings at The Mindfulness Co.
