The Difference Between Gentle, Conscious, Mindful, Positive Parenting
Over 2 years ago when I had my first baby, I knew I wanted to parent differently from how I was parented. I truly believe that my parents did the best they could with what they knew (something that you will hear me say time and time again), but now that I know better I want to do better—just like they decided to do when raising my sister and I. I knew I didn’t want to spank, I knew that I wanted my little one to trust her instincts, I knew that I wanted to be intentional in the things I said and what I did when it came to responding in the midst of challenge. I took what I had learned from many years working in education and started to transfer those skills to my parenting.
My husband was constantly amazed at how “good” I was at this whole parenting thing. Especially with my bonus daughter, who is now 11. I began to coach him at night when we were in bed, helping him formulate intentional conversations, role playing various parenting scenarios, and working with him through anything he had questions about. I began to see so many connections between how I worked with students in the classroom to how I was parenting and found a number of common themes that are also the foundation for gentle and conscious parenting.
Before I get any further, let me give you a quick run-down of the various parenting styles that have been popping up to help you differentiate between them. To help build some context, I’m going to start with the traditional style of parenting so that you have a baseline for comparison.
Traditional Parenting
Traditional parenting, the way that many of us were raised, is centered around what’s called behaviorism—a process in which adults condition children to behave/act a certain way. It leans more towards an authoritarian parenting style (not to be confused with authoritative). Characteristics common of this style include:
Demeans a child for things that the parent finds unacceptable
Expects things of a child that aren’t developmentally appropriate (ex: a toddler being able to self-soothe by calming down on their own, a teenager being able to self-manage 100% of the time even thought those skills are just developing)
Uses punishments and rewards as a way to coerce a child to act a certain way or do what the parent expects of them
May use corporal punishment (ex: spanking, kneeling on rice, soap in the mouth, etc.)
Views the child as something that needs to be trained rather than a person who deserves respect
Conscious Parenting
Where most parenting styles focus on the child, conscious parenting has a greater focus on the parent and understanding the WHY behind your emotions, actions, words, triggers, etc. It is a highly introspective parenting style that recognizes that a huge part of parenting is about you as the adult and your internal world (i.e. thoughts, feelings, beliefs, mindset, perceptions, needs, etc.). One could say that it is a step up from Peaceful and Gentle Parenting as it adds the layer of taking into account you as the adult, who is also a person with needs.
Gentle Parenting
Note: This parenting approach is often times misconstrued for what it truly is, so I will go a bit more in-depth with it.
In my opinion, gentle parenting is almost the complete opposite, if not the very opposite, of traditional parenting. In this particular style, the parent acknowledges and understands a child’s need for autonomy, but also that boundaries and limits are necessary to help facilitate learning and keep children safe. It is about working with your child so that they have a say in their life (autonomy), while you help create the boundaries that are necessary based on age, developmental stage, family values, etc.
What I love most about this style of parenting is that it encourages us as parents to open ourselves up to the idea of having our children be active participants in their life. I know, it’s a strange concept, BUT think about it for a moment: how do people learn best? How do YOU learn best? Not everyone is the same, but chances are that it’s through some sort of interaction—whether it be hands-on, engaging in a meaningful conversation, learning in a group setting, or another approach where you get to participate in the process. The same goes for our kids! Gentle parenting takes this idea a step further and brings in the notion of not only having our kids be active participants (ex: giving choices, asking their opinions), but being guided by our children’s cues.
How exactly does one follow the cues of their children? In all honesty, this is not a one-size-fits-all answer. Every child, every scenario, every family dynamic is different. It could be around meal-time, bedtime routines, potty training, and the list goes on. An example of this in my home: My daughter is 2.5 and we are currently working on going to the potty. She does great listening to her body, but there are times (like in the morning) where she doesn’t want to try. I could force her and it would be a really crappy way to kick off our morning together, so instead I follow her cues, respect that she doesn’t want to go, and circle back after she’s been awake for a moment to see if she’d like to go potty or have her diaper changed. Let me add that by the time she’s in the 3yo class at her school she’ll have to be potty trained, so I might need to speed up the process as that time approaches, but in the meantime I am following her cues and am confident that she will be 90% there when that time comes.
Contrary to popular belief, this parenting style is far from permissive, but can easily turn into that when parents and caregivers lack the knowledge, skills, resources, or support to help them think through what this might look, sound, feel like in their home. If you are looking for support, read more about how I can support you or fill out this form to set up a time to chat!
Mindful Parenting
To be mindful means to be conscious and aware of what’s happening in the moment. So if you think about this in terms of parenting, mindful parenting is about being present, aware, and in the moment with both yourself and your kids. It is more a way of being and showing up in your day-to-day life than it is about steps you take when approaching situations. Mindful parenting weaves together the practices of being a conscious, gentle, peaceful parent, so that you can be intentional in the way you show up, not just moment-to-moment, but as a way of living. This parenting style is probably one of my favorites for the simple fact that it encourages us, as parents, to be present and in the moment so that we can find pause between emotion and response, in order to be more intentional in what we say and do.
Peaceful Parenting
Like gentle parenting, peaceful parenting focuses on a less demeaning approach to parenting that humanizes the child and is also proactive in creating an environment that meets your child where they are at. It is a proactive approach to parenting that encourages parents to connect with their children, while also tending to their own needs through emotional regulation (two things that can be found in most parenting styles discussed in this post).
The Common Thread
If you’re wondering why so many people use some of these terms interchangeably or bounce between referencing these different parenting styles (myself included), it’s because there is a common thread within all of those and it is that in each of these parenting styles you see these things:
Understanding
Empathy
Respect
Healthy Boundaries
Intention and purpose
In its essence, these parenting styles encourage us to humanize our children by validating their emotions and experiences through understanding, empathy, and respect, while also validating that the adult also has their own emotions and experiences. The practice of parenting with intention empowers us to pause, acknowledge that we too struggle as adults during challenging moments that feel uncomfortable, so that we can better show up for ourselves and our kids.
If you are looking for support in your journey; if you are tired of worrying that you’re not doing the right thing; if you are done feeling guilty even though you do so much; and you are ready to step into peace, ease, and purpose in your parenting, let’s connect! Contact me here or fill out this form and I will reach out to schedule a time to chat.
